So many things. But I don't deserve to wish, so
why the
hell should I even think about wishing. All I know it...
I
want to go back in time. In that moment when my
mom was
yelling. I wish I persuaded her and not the opposite. I
wonder what everything would be like now. Well, it
wouldn't
be everything, it would be nothing.
I wish I could act like who I really am. And not this
random kid. Wait, now that I think about it... Didn't
my
wish come true? That wish I've been wishing for, for
years?
And now I'm at my lowest? Suck it up and move on.
I got my
wish, time for someone else.
Hmm, maybe I'm a little higher than my lowest. So
blinded
by my selfishness I didn't notice... my wish came
true. What
a terrible person I am. Says a lot about ones
character, huh?
I don't feel like typing. I feel like crying. Fucking stop
this fake shit. But I don't deserve the tears. I should
just
fucking study and keep my grades up. Be some
apathetic loser
who sits in a corner. That sounds better than what I
have now.
I'm not happier outside of the internet. I just know
how to
fake it. Only she knows who I really am, and I love
her to
death for still accepting me. But right now, I feel like
.... ugh. Everything hurts, a friend of mine said. He
said
it just right.... everything emotionally hurts.
"We'veGottenToThePointWhereIShouldLeaveYouAlone,
ButWeBothKnowI'mNotThatStrong."
Received a text message today from a friend. I regret pushing
"read
now". I regret acting like I'm okay with everything when I just
want
to cry. But no time for wallowing in my own self pity, I have area
tomorrow. Happy thoughts. Let's Take This Field.
But for a minute... I want to just....sigh. I guess I saw it coming.
No, better yet, I feel like I shoved the knife into myself, future
just rubbed salt in the wound. I'm so pathetic. I'm not nearly as
smart. Not nearly as cute, let alone pretty. Sigh.
I guess it hurts to know that by me not even being considered a
friend anymore, both of them are happier. Me being that over
observant
one, as I was walking back from who know what the hell what, I
saw
them....and they looked so...perfect.
But, he's happy, and she's happy... or so they seem to be. And
no
matter how painful it may be, I really am happy too.
I'm tired of being so...alone. But I'm not even talking about that
way. Just lately... I feel so distant...even from myself. I avoid
myself. MY FUCKING SELF. I read books, listen to music, and
draw non
stop to keep from thinking, hearing,or seeing myself.
I get it, people don't like me. But what do they want me to do?
Become that stereotype? Suicide? I'm sorry, but I can't kill myself.
Also, something that made me cry today... a speech from one
of our
councilmen. He talked about bullying. He talked about he wanted
to
take his own life. How everything was just terrible. But, he didn't.
He's now very successful. And he was in an interview and he
talked
about because he made that one courageous statement, people
from every
where in the world talked about their experience and told him
how they
would now not take their life, as they had previously had
intentions
of doing. He save that many kids. It's...stunning.